Category Archives: Humour/Satire

If you thought selecting gifts for kids is easy…

Why the hell is it so hard to pick out gifts for babies. No, I don’t have kids, but I am in that age bracket where almost all my friends have kids/are pregnant/trying/trying frantically. And a direct side-effect of having such friends is that you get invited to a lot of birthday parties. So,”what to gift” is a recurring problem.

I know the world is full of baby-related items and every fourth shop in any market will stock toys and kids’ clothes. Okay lemme rephrase my question… Why the hell is it so hard to pick out gifts for kids that won’t make their moms go “oh not again”?

I am fortunate to have people around me who are well off in their life. They are able to provide the best of everything to their kids (sometimes more than what their kids need). So selecting gifts for their kids is a taxing task bhai!

If you aren’t creative enough, chances are that their child (or plural) would already have what you gave (maybe in plural too). If that happens, neither the baccha is excited at opening your gift, nor is the mom, who secretly adds it to her database of recyclable gifts.

I definitely don’t want my gift to be recycled. No No.

So what Mr Bachchan is saying these days in First Cry advertisements, that Bachchon ki shopping #BachchonKaKhelNahin, is 100% correct. (I accidentally read it as Bachchan ki Shopping at first, ha ha.)

So for years, I stuck to two trusted things — envelope mein cash for relatives’ kids and books for friends’ kids. One can never go wrong with these.

But now it seems the options are endless. I just checked out the online baby market (i mean baby-related-products’ market, you freak) and found many utility items that a mother or a child can actually use. People rarely gift useful things these days, don’t you think?

In case you think you don’t know the baby’s choice (oh yes, they are very fussy) or needs, then why not go for a gift voucher from FirstCry.com. I am always in favour of doling out gift vouchers as it gives moms the independence to get something their kids will enjoy or use.

I think I have given out a major spoiler alert for all my friends who have babies — they know what they are gonna get next time they invite me to a birthday party. And those who don’t have a clue and act surprised, I am gonna punch you hard — you are my friend and you still don’t read my blog!!!!!

Why I would rather turn 30 than yearn for early 20s.

These five reasons are in addition to the so many other logical ones which everyone keeps telling. Realised this when I was stuck with two 20-year-olds for an entire day!30

1. I can sit at one place for hours without feeling the need to offload my personal problems on strangers. I don’t get bored traveling alone in a bus for hours or waiting at a doctors’ reception area… I am content at being alone with my thoughts sometimes.

2. I possess the ability to keep a straight face when a handsome dashing man walks past me. I don’t swoon and giggle while looking at his faces anymore.

3. I might have been talkative as a kid, but I have realised that if you talk too much, chances are something dumb and/or stupid will leave your mouth with greater frequency.

4. I no longer have to be friends with every-bloody-one. I have the power to cut off those people from my life who irritate or anger me or with whom I simply don’t get along. I don’t feel like accepting friend request on facebook from people I haven’t met/met once but won’t ever meet again. And I don’t feel guilty about it.

5. I can cook whenever I want, clean whenever I want, sleep, eat, dance, bathe, not bathe, read, watch tv, play, anything and anytime, because I have a partner who doesn’t bound me by “tujhe meri kasam“. 😀

Welcoming a new bride

A Curious Army Wife

It was a chilly Thursday night and I was holed up in a tiny tent with Captain Sa’ab with nothing but a double blanket and an emergency lamp. I checked my phone, which had 4% battery left and I longed for the day when camping tents would come with a phone charging point.

That was my first night in Captain Sa’ab’s Unit after we got married. We were allotted a guest room during the day, but we returned after dinner to find that it was locked. Captain Sa’ab muttered under his breath, “I was expecting something like this,” when his junior came and told us that our arrangements for the night were made in that tent in the Mess’ garden.

It was 12.30 am, and we were about to call it a day when the regimental band, standing about 10 feet from our tent, pierce the silence with an ear-splitting…

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10 things about Indore’s traffic I love to hate

India is a special place. There may be hundreds of things which one likes about their hometown. But traffic ain’t one of them. They always reserve the choicest and wincing-at-it-is-too-late words for their beloved city’s traffic… it doesn’t matter if that place’s traffic is actually good.

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I think this gentleman, riding in the BRTS, wants to reach the destination before his bike.

So why should I be any different. My hometown, Indore, has the worst traffic and people with pathetic and weird traffic sense.

It is said that if you drive there following all the traffic rules, either one of the two things could happen — either you won’t reach your destination at all, or you might reach the hospital first.

If you are out on a drive in Indore, here are a few things of which you should take a print-out, carry in your wallet and read whenever you find free time (preferably with a beaded necklace in your hand):

1. There is only one traffic rule in Indore…there are no rules! (sorry Brad Pitt, but this sentence is kinda relevant here)

2. Lanes are for people who are driving a bulldozer. Rest is free for all.

3. There is no bhed-bhav on Indori roads. A cycle wala can occupy a fast lane with just as much haq as a BMW wala.

4. Footpaths are extremely essential for good flow of traffic. Where else would the tea stall and pohe wala thela go.

5. There is absolutely no need for you to bother with 20th century traffic customs like giving indicator before you turn. They are just ornamental lights on your vehicle.

6. You must stop your vehicle at least 50 metres after a zebra crossing at a traffic signal.

7. The time indicator of all traffic signals are a bit slow. So it’s okay to start 5 seconds before the signal turns green, and okay to stop 10 seconds after it has turned red.

8. Do not make fun of traffic policemen. Salute them for spending so much time in dust and pollution because it takes guts to stand and gaze at the vehicles. The only time they will punish you for breaking any rules is when they have to meet their challan’s annual target.

9. If someone behind you shouts “aage badhaou“, take it as a signal and just MOVE. For the sake of your mother’s and sister’s happy life, DO NOT turn back to see who shouted and why. In all cases it would be the conductor of a public transport vehicle, dangling out of the door defying laws of gravity.

10. “Horn All The Time Please” is the unwritten rule. If you are not horny enough (yes offense), then why did your parents even think of giving you the keys to the car/bike/cycle.

Most hated questions (…and my personalised answers)

1. What do you want to be when you grow up? (Drug dealer)

2. Why did you decide to become a journalist? (I dunno, living below the poverty line has its charm)

3. When are you getting married? (I was thinking this Thursday… will you be able to make it?)

4. How did you celebrate this birthday…the last one before getting married? (Wore a pink satin dress and glass slippers to work)

5. Hows the preparation for the wedding going? (Not so good, could you come in the evening and do the dishes?)

6. How does it feel now that you are married? (I feel sorry for you)

7. Oh you are back? (Nope! Its called optical illusion)

8. You look sick, did you go see a doctor? (Yes I did. He looked fine)

9. Who is it you are talking to on phone? (Shhh… its Manmohan Singh. I am trying to listen!)

10. What are your future plans? (Give me a minute, I will mail you a PPT presentation I made on this subject).